The heart of The Bachelor’s Jimmy is now out of reach for one contestant who boldly grasped at something else entirely on Thursday night.
Honestly. Crotch groping? This is a prestigious television franchise. Save the crotch groping for Married At First Sight. And Better Homes & Gardens.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
Before the HR nightmare occurs, we’re whisked away for the first date of the series. Some chick called Brooke nabs it and she’s so excited to see Jimmy in his element, flying a plane.
“There’s love brewing in the air!” she beams.
No, Brooke. That’s not love. It’s a Category 5 cyclone.
Not everyone is thrilled for Brooke.
When it comes time for the first group date, the other girls can barely contain themselves.
“I’m honestly manifesting to the universe that it’s a group date where I can show my personality,” Belinda confides in us.
She’s a total wallflower. Meek. Demure. And when they all set off for the boring photo shoot date, she really rises to the occasion and makes sure to show off her … personality.
“Can you see my vagina?” she asks no one in particular. “’Cause I have no undies on.”
She then jumps at the opportunity to check out Jimmy’s … personality.
Of course, we’re treated to a close-up of Jimmy’s … personality.
We all watch on:
Belinda is obviously a smooth operator. And she knows the natural next step after checking out each other’s personalities is to lunge in for a pash ambush.
“I just touched something I’m probably not supposed to touch!”
Jimmy shrieks as he tries to break free from Belinda’s grasp.
He doesn’t clarify this statement but we can safely assume he accidentally touched Belinda’s … personality.
The other girls aren’t jealous that Belinda copped a handful of Jimmy’s personality. They’re more annoyed at Lily, who forces a pash on Jimmy during her photo shoot that involves a nearby production assistant blasting them with a garden hose.
The other ladies can’t help but watch on with mouths agape.
“I’m getting saturated just watching,” Stephanie drools.
Ugh, well go get a Handee Ultra paper towel.
“The audacity of her to do that in front of all of us,” one of the girls fumes about Lily going in for the kiss. “What was Lily thinking? It was incredibly disrespectful … I think some sh*t is gonna go down at the cocktail party.”
It’s a nice tease to keep us hanging around, but the potentially explosive moment ends up being a total fizzer. We arrive at the cocktail party and not even one person’s personality gets groped.
We’re more worried about our girl Sierah, who’s freaking out. She’s worried she came on too strong with Jimmy at the photo shoot and behaved inappropriately.
“I’m usually quite mellow,” she stresses to him.
For the purpose of accurate reporting, it should be noted it has been 24 hours since Sierah declared on national television that she was “busting for a fart”.
Producers herd everyone into the rose ceremony room to wrap up this mess. Two people are culled: A random girl. And the girl with the handfuls of personality.
The saddest thing? The cameraman zooms in too close and now we can’t see her … personality.
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